Subject:

Date: Tue, 27 May 2008 16:38:53 +0100

4.15a.m.

27th May

Hello Baby Girl,

How on earth to begin this…

I’ve not smiled much or felt happiness of any sort for the past

(nearly) two years, I’ve totally lost trust in people, and before we

even look at ‘starting’ – I get you involved in a horror story I

never saw coming… and now I must tell you it… Red already knows, she

knows through Mark, who I confided in from the start. Now you NEED to

know, so you can make an informed decision.

Let me ask you something…have you ever loved someone so completely,

so utterly irrationally – that no matter what they put you through…

you can’t walk away… no matter how damaging and heartbreaking it is

to you? My guess is yes. Which is why, even if I was physically in a

position to do so, I can’t and won’t rush into anything, because no

matter what I might eventually feel, I’ve been (bluntly speaking)

totally f***ed about, and my heart and soul have been torn up, spat

out, and stamped on.

My marriage broke up in spring 2006…f***ing car crash in slow motion,

I’d not loved my now ex in years, I’d thrown money at her to keep her

happy – thus convincing myself we would stay happy that way – prat

that I am.

In September 2006 through myspace.com, I met a witch from about 40

miles from here. She was 28, her name was louise, and she was a

trained psychologist for the NHS. We hit it off immediately…in a huge

way. She was fairly secretive about herself, but I was okay with that…

I had no expectations anyway.

In November ’06 she told me she had leukaemia, I was busted up as I

really liked her. We were talking on the phone every day, everything

was going great…then that. She asked me to come and spend xmas with

her, and I was thrilled…so excited. Then the police knocked on my

door…and everything changed. I was NOT in trouble AT ALL, it turned

out she had police protection due to an ex partner, and before I

could know where she was – I had to be investigated and cleared. I

flew threw all their checks with flying colours J

> Then I found out about her. She has more than one name, I know her as

> El, she is also called Louise, and also Sarah, and also as Hannah.

> Yes she worked for the NHS… BUT… she was/is also in show-business… At

> that point it all changed. We did meet, I was taken to her at her

> home by a chauffeur driven car, spent a few magical days getting to

> know each other (NO – WE NEVER HAD SEX…WE NEVER HAVE HAD). She was

> absolutely fascinated by my living as a Dom, and wanted me to teach

> her as much as I knew, so when we were together we could “try

> things” – her words – I couldn’t believe it – heaven.

>

> As we started to fall in love…I made an implacable enemy, one of her

> two ‘carers’, who helped take care of her after cancer treatments

> loathed me from the off. I think he knew that she would no longer

> need him, and set out to sabotage us, to keep us apart, to hurt us in

> any way possible…and for 6 long months he nearly succeeded. He

> controlled her diary, and ensured whenever we met it was always in

> public…it was always in hotels with her minders or management

> present. We were never alone…not ever. I would be picked up in a posh

> car with blacked out windows…or smuggled into hotels in car boots or

> service elevators…all secrecy and shields and totally wrong. I knew

> she trusted me because I got to go to recording studios and video

> shoots with her – amazing days out – but never “us time”.

>

> I nearly walked away in April last year…she persuaded me not to,

> telling me we would marry on May 25th. I was blissfully happy, she

> gave me the keys to her house, we planned to honeymoon in Ireland in

> her house there. Then…her carer, with two weeks to go tried to kill

> himself… “a cry for help” – he emotionally blackmailed he into post-

> phoning the wedding, to care for him til he recovered.

>

> Then she was raped. We were supposed to go to Ireland together, her

> carer persuaded her he needed the break for health reasons. He left

> her alone with a good friend of his and went for a walk. Her drink

> was spiked and when she woke up she knew she had been raped. She

> called me panicked, I got the Garda involved, and her attacker owned

> up immediately. Her helper had known that this guy had always lusted

> after her and set the whole scenario up…and her attacker has full

> blown AIDS – no joke. It was a calculated attempt to blow us apart…it

> so nearly worked. She had 12 months of anti-AIDS treatment and only

> got the all clear in about February this year. He’s in prison now for

> 15 years – he’ll die in there.

Then in june 2007 she had a huge breakdown, completely lost her

> memory. Her helper abandoned her completely, I found out what

> happened when her brother rang me out of the blue – and filled me in.

> then her helper killed himself – and she blamed herself – and

> partially me too…because he had done it because of us. Nice eh?

> And so its gone on and on. She kept wanting me and then backing away,

> until in new year’s eve this year – I finally went “f*** this” and

> tried to walk away. Every week she promised we’d be together, and

> every week I’d believe her, so we missed birthdays, Christmases…

> everything. In December last year, the struggles between us caused

> her brother to kill himself…he was caught directly between us. In his

> suicide letter he blamed her not me – I think he felt despair for us.

> She was left to look after his two children. I told her I would be

> her husband and their daddy…and she accepted…but as usual…

Then her cousin came across from Ireland to ‘help’ us…big mistake. He

and his children went to live with El, and it was yet another horror

story. He and El fought ferociously – he was furious at her behaviour

towards me, going through the horror of an unexpected relationship

himself. He fled back to Ireland, leaving his children with El…and

killed himself… L

> I’d made the mistake of telling Hannah and Emma about her too last

summer. I regret and resent that more than anything – they have been

desperately hurt and disappointed and broken by it all – I know its

El’s fault, but I blame myself more than her. I hold an amount of

> resentment towards her for letting them down. I resent myself too.

> I never wanted el for anything other than herself, I offered to sign

a pre-nup with her, I would have too. Her management were thrilled…

knew I was genuine and not a gold digger. She knew I was desperately

unhappy in my day job, offered me a post managing her animal

sanctuary – yes – she owns a big one. I was so thrilled, working with

animals would be a dream come true for me…so with that another broken

promise…see a pattern not so subtly developing?

So my life became a “car crash’, a litany of broken promises, and

broken dreams. My health has suffered and deteriorated both

physically and mentally…that old cliché is right y’know? “Love

hurts”. I opt to no longer talk to her by phone. We’ve not seen each

other since November ’07, not spoken since February this year

We do still text, but not every day. I want to be free, to be happy,

to be in love. I thought I had found my soulmate – idealistic me y’see?

I have left a lot out…or edited out…there is more…a lot more…but you

don’t need to know or would not believe even if I told you. El and I

are not nor ever have been engaged. We have never slept together, nor

holidayed together, nor had ANY quality time together…its been a

misguided fallacy that I allowed my heart to follow. She still

maintains she loves me – and I do love her. I’ve told you because you

deserve and need to know. You have the facts in your possession now,

mull over it…I will answer any questions you have. Then you can

decide what you feel is right.

Essay done

Me xxx

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